My Partner Wants to Open Up Our Relationship—Now What?
So, your partner just hit you with the conversation: they want to open up your relationship. Maybe it came out of nowhere, or maybe you had a feeling this was coming. Either way, you're likely feeling a lot right now—fear, excitement, betrayal, curiosity, panic, hope, grief, relief, or some wild, swirling combination of it all.
First, take a deep breath. This moment is big, but it’s not a crisis. Whether this leads to an open relationship, a deeper understanding of your boundaries, or a realization that this isn’t right for you, you will find clarity. Let’s break it down.
When people hear "I want to open our relationship," their first instinct is often to react—to reassure, to argue, to shut down, to agree out of fear. Instead, try pausing. Before you answer them, take time to check in with you. What emotions are coming up? Fear, insecurity, excitement, confusion? Is this something you've ever been curious about? Do you feel secure in your relationship? Does this bring up past wounds?
People often assume "I want to open our relationship" means something negative: "I'm unhappy," "I've already cheated," or "This is inevitable, take it or leave it." But most of the time, it's more like: "I love you, and I also have a desire to explore." "I’ve been thinking about this for a long time and want to be honest." "I trust you enough to have this hard conversation." It’s worth asking your partner what this means to them. How long have they been thinking about it? What are they hoping to gain? What role does your relationship play in this?
A lot of people assume non-monogamy happens when something is wrong in a relationship, but more often than not, people open up because they feel safe enough to do so. Some people have a high capacity for love and connection and don’t feel it should be limited to one person. Others feel attraction to others but don’t see it as a threat to their primary relationship. Some value freedom and autonomy. Others are naturally wired for non-monogamy and have always felt restricted by monogamy. But there are also situations where someone suggests non-monogamy to avoid dealing with deeper issues, and if this is coming from a place of desperation, that’s worth addressing.
There are a lot of fears that come up with this. "I won’t be enough anymore." "What if I get jealous?" "What if they fall in love with someone else?" "What if this ruins our relationship?" The thing is, non-monogamy doesn’t replace what you have—it expands it. Jealousy is normal and manageable. Love isn’t a finite resource. And like monogamous relationships, open ones fail when there’s dishonesty, avoidance, and lack of communication.
This process isn’t just theoretical—it’s deeply personal. Maybe you’ve been here before. Maybe an ex-partner brought this up and it didn’t go well, or maybe you've always wondered about non-monogamy but never thought it would be part of your relationship. You might find yourself replaying every past insecurity in your mind. You might be grieving the version of your relationship you thought you had. You might also be feeling guilty—guilty for not immediately supporting your partner’s desire, guilty for feeling jealous, guilty for even considering a hard no. It’s all normal. This isn’t just a logistical shift; it’s an emotional one, too.
It’s okay to take your time. You might cycle through different emotions on different days—one moment feeling open and curious, the next overwhelmed and scared. One day, you might be excited about the idea of your partner finding joy with someone else, and the next, you might feel like you want to crawl out of your skin at the thought of it. It doesn’t mean you’re failing—it means you’re processing.
If you're open to exploring this, start slow. Get educated—books like Polysecure by Jessica Fern and The Ethical Slut by Janet Hardy and Dossie Easton are great places to start. Have honest, ongoing conversations about boundaries, expectations, and emotions. Dipping a toe in with conversation and education is better than diving in without preparation. And if you do move forward, agreements should be mutual, not ultimatums.
Opening up a relationship isn’t something most people can navigate alone without unnecessary heartache. If you're feeling overwhelmed, scared, excited, or just plain confused, getting support is crucial. That’s where I come in. I specialize in helping people navigate non-monogamy—whether you're just considering it, struggling with jealousy, or trying to rebuild trust. If you want guidance, a space to process, or strategies to make this transition easier, let’s talk.
Book a consultation call with me here.
You don’t have to have all the answers today. But whatever happens, you do deserve clarity, respect, and a relationship structure that feels good for you, whether that means opening up or not.
Take your time. You’ve got this.