Fawning Is Not Kindness

Fawning says yes so you do not get left. It smooths conflict before it begins and calls it compassion. It is a survival strategy that once kept you safe. It also costs you the truth. The tricky part is that fawning can look generous. You are the one who remembers birthdays. You bring soup. You say you do not mind driving. You hold everyone together and fall apart alone.

Kindness includes you. It has a spine. It considers reality. Fawning is kind only to the other person and cruel to the part of you that needs care. The difference is not in the behavior. It is in the motive and the aftermath. If you say yes and feel smaller, that was fawn. If you say yes and feel steady, that was care.

Start with micro boundaries. Instead of a default yes, use a pause. Let me check my energy and get back to you tonight. That sentence will change your life. People who want access, not relationship, will push. People who want you will wait.

Track your tells. Do you leave conversations feeling foggy. Do you promise things you resent five minutes later. Do you apologize when you are not sorry. Do you lose your appetite around certain people. Your body is not subtle. It sends you messages in simple language.

You can keep your softness. We are not aiming for hard edges. We are growing roots. Practice a clean no and do not explain your childhood. I cannot this week. I am not available for that. Silence after the sentence. Notice the earthquake that does not come. If someone punishes you for having limits, you have learned something important.

There is a version of you that is still kind and not for sale. Let them drive.