Decolonizing Desire: How Racism Shapes Our Fantasies and What to Do About It
The Politics of Attraction: Is Desire Really Just Personal?
Desire is often framed as an individual preference—something we simply like or don’t like. But desire is not formed in a vacuum. It is shaped by culture, history, media, and systemic power structures. What we find attractive—or unattractive—is often a reflection of societal conditioning rather than pure personal choice.
When we start to decolonize desire, we ask: Why do I find certain traits desirable? Who have I been taught to see as beautiful, sexy, and worthy? Whose bodies are invisible in my attractions? This is not about guilt—it’s about awareness.
The Legacy of Colonialism in Sexual Desires
From the hypersexualization of Black women to the fetishization of Asian men, colonial narratives have shaped the way racialized bodies are viewed in sexual and romantic contexts. These narratives have created harmful tropes:
The Jezebel & The Dragon Lady: Black and Asian women have long been stereotyped as either overly sexual or dangerously seductive, reducing them to fantasies rather than full humans with agency.
The Mandingo & The Desexualized Asian Man: Black men are often objectified for their supposed sexual prowess, while Asian men are frequently desexualized, reflecting colonial fears and power imbalances.
The Ethnic Fetish: People of color are sometimes reduced to checkboxes on a dating app—“I’ve always wanted to be with a Latina” or “I have Yellow Fever.” These statements signal objectification, not genuine attraction.
Decolonizing desire means recognizing these patterns and questioning how they influence personal attraction.
Unpacking Your Own Attractions: Reflection Without Shame
Interrogating desire is not about self-blame—it’s about curiosity and growth. Some reflection questions to explore:
When did I first start forming my ideas of beauty and attraction? Who influenced them?
How has media representation shaped my perception of desirability?
Have I ever overlooked potential partners due to unconscious biases about race, body type, ability, or gender presentation?
Do my dating patterns show a bias toward or against certain racial or cultural groups? If so, why?
Rebuilding Desire Through Conscious Connection
Decolonizing desire does not mean forcing yourself to be attracted to someone you’re not—it means making space for new possibilities outside of colonial conditioning. Ways to begin:
Diversify Your Media: The stories we consume shape attraction. Follow creators, artists, and storytellers from diverse backgrounds who expand representations of beauty and desire.
Engage in Honest Conversations: Talking about attraction and bias with trusted friends, partners, or a therapist can help bring unconscious patterns to light.
Expand Your Lens on Beauty: Spend time appreciating a broader spectrum of human expression, from different hair textures to varied body types to gender fluidity.
Check Your Intentions: If you find yourself attracted to someone from a marginalized background, ask yourself—am I seeing this person as an individual, or am I unconsciously playing into a stereotype?
Desire as Liberation
Decolonizing desire is not about eliminating attraction—it’s about making it more expansive, ethical, and liberated. When we disrupt the narrow definitions of beauty and desirability imposed on us, we move toward a world where everyone gets to be seen, wanted, and loved in their fullness.
If you're interested in exploring your own desires and patterns in a safe, therapeutic space, book a session with me. Together, we can unpack the layers of conditioning and build relationships rooted in authentic connection. Book a session here.